The “Double-Vasectomy” That Is The Mini-Van

Posted: July 3, 2013 in Articles
Tags: , , ,

To the dude that passed by my house in the mini-van…know that I saw you! Dude I saw you!

I know that as men/fathers/husbands that we have to sacrifice many things and one of them is losing some of our “cool factor” (manhood) when our family starts to van and we have to seek out the most economical vehicle for the situation as well as keeping “space” in mind.

This often requires that we have to purchase a mini-van for our family when they grow too big for our “cool” car and this is devastating to most men yet being the hero’s that we are we often smile to our kids, act excited for our wives, drool over the many options and space that comes with the purchase yet you and I both know that what has just happened as you sign that note for a vehicle that may be a necessity yet as men (and personally speaking) when we have to drive them there is just no way to look cool in a MINI-VAN because to a MAN it is akin to having a double vasectomy followed up by a sex-change operation!

I am prepared to here from the men that have allowed themselves to be brainwashed that driving a modified station wagon is cool and dude don’t think that I noticed that you put some nice rims on it but my question was as you rolled by is WHY!! Dude, it’s a MINI-VAN!!!!!

No amount of perks, gadgets, or attachments that comes with said van will ever make it look “cool” and though I know that it may not make sense to you it does to us (even the guy that has to nod his head right now instead of speaking because his wife is next to him).

This in no way to demean those men that are currently forced to drive one of these “chick magnets” but any man or woman who doubts me on this I ask you to give a man an option between a Shelby GT and the nicest many van irrespective of the family unit and almost always the “man” will choose the car with its coolness and horsepower and the ones who won’t probably are a lost cause (due to brainwashing by the fine female species) or more than likely their wife is standing next to him to ensure that he chooses properly.

I must admit that I am guilty of this infraction against the male code (as most of us will be during our lifetime) of driving the family “mini-van” but now that the kids are almost grown and have their own cars I can proudly say that I made it through it and as I drive the by-ways and highways of this great nation I beam as I drive my once again “cool ride” and it feels great to be an un-emasculated man.

Now, every time I pull up next to a poor sap in the window I often feel like as they look at me I can see them mouth “please help me!” and I feel like mouthing back “dude, you gotta do your time like I did and I’m wit ya in spirit!”.

So here’s to all of the men who will or who have been subjected to the torture that is “un-coolness” that is associated with a mini-van; I feel your pain and look forward to the day that we pull up next to each other in chariots that belch fumes, burn rubber, that exude speed, and just plain, looks cool.

I’ll be smiling just as big as you will when you are once again with us because I will have the knowledge that another dude has been freed and can rejoin the ranks of “men” and we salute your sacrifice for the cause and honor you as you return to the fold.

Ron “Big Black” and hope that I don’t have to own a mini-van again “Garrett”

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